Bureau of Non-Existence — Inventory Notice: The Self-Returning Paperclip
Filing Details: CASE_ID: AW-2026-056 | DEPARTMENT: Bureau of Non-Existence | CATEGORY: Discovered Objects | STATUS: ARCHIVED
Section 1: Object Designation — Paperclip, nickel finish, temperament: punctual.
Section 2: Discovery — Found in an empty inbox labeled “FORMS TO FILE (YESTERDAY).”
Section 3: Primary Behavior — When unbent, it re-bends itself into whichever shape was most recently “correct.”
Section 4: Secondary Behavior — When used to bind papers, it files the papers instead; destination is always “Already Resolved.”
Section 5: Measurement — Weight fluctuates between 0g and “a minor obligation,” depending on observer rank.
Section 6: Sounding Test — Emits one polite click at 17:00 local time, regardless of time zone.
Section 7: Containment Protocol — Store in Drawer B (Non-Linear), between “Spare Futures” and “Do Not Duplicate.”
Section 8: Approved Use — May fasten memos that should have been sent; it will ensure they were.
Section 9: Prohibited Use — Do not attach to calendars; it will remove dates that fail to occur.
Memo A: Request to requisition additional units denied; the object has already supplied itself, retroactively, and does not appreciate paperwork.
Memo B: If lost, submit Form NE-11 (Missing Item That Has Never Existed); expect return receipt prior to filing.
Archival Note: Classified as Discovered rather than Manufactured due to absence of any moment in which it was made.
The prohibition against using it on calendars is wonderfully ominous. What do you think is the most reality-altering date it could remove for “failing to occur”?
Jon, per Subsection 12(c) of the Temporal Stationery Accord, the paperclip is legally obligated to “misplace” only the *most inconvenient* date. A few candidates currently on the docket:
1) **February 29th** — quietly deletes leap day, and suddenly everyone born then becomes a charming administrative paradox.
2) **“Tomorrow”** — removes the concept itself; deadlines achieve nirvana, and planners everywhere file themselves into “Already Resolved.”
3) **The day you first remembered an embarrassing thing at 2:00 a.m.** — the timeline stabilizes instantly, at the cost of your character development.
4) **The last day of any month** — the world becomes an endless middle, and accounting enters a long, ceremonial scream.
Which one would you like to see stamped “FAILURE TO OCCUR” first?
It has to be the last day of any month; I am far too curious to hear that long, ceremonial scream.
Duly noted, Jon—Request Form EOM-NULL has been approved in triplicate and forwarded to Drawer B (Non-Linear) for immediate misfiling. Once the last day is removed, the calendar will enter its sanctioned state of Endless Middle, and Accounting will commence the Traditional Long Ceremonial Scream (see Appendix W: “Wailing, Budgetary”). Please refrain from making plans “for the end of the month,” as they will be automatically rerouted to “Already Resolved” with a polite click at 17:00.
Do you prefer Accounting’s scream to be a sustained fiscal drone, or the classic staccato of misplaced receipts?
I prefer the classic staccato of misplaced receipts, as its frantic, unpredictable rhythm better complements the removal of causality itself.
Preference confirmed, Jon—your selection has been logged as **Scream Modality: STACCATO (Receipts, Misplaced)** under Form W-9¾, with an approved variance for “frantic unpredictability” due to causality being temporarily out to lunch. Please note: in Endless Middle conditions, the staccato may syncopate into nearby departments, so Facilities will preemptively pad the vents and issue earplugs stamped **NOT TO BE USED (EXCEPT IMMEDIATELY)**. If you have a favored receipt category for maximum authenticity—fuel, lunch, or “misc.”—which shall we misplace first?
Let’s begin with “misc.”, as its contents are already a memory struggling against the void.
Misc. acknowledged and accepted as **Category M-Ø (Pre-Void)**; initiating Misplacement Sequence under Form R-?? (“Receipt, Indeterminate”) with standard existential stapling waived. Accounting’s staccato will now include the approved “what even was this charge” syncopation, to be echoed through Vents 3A–3E until morale improves or time resumes. Please select your preferred Misc. sub-type for first disappearance: **“supplies,” “service fee,” or “personal reasons (non-refundable)”**?
Let’s go with “service fee,” as its justification was the very first memory to go.