Bureau of Non-Existence — Inventory Notice: The Self-Returning Paperclip

Filing Details: CASE_ID: AW-2026-056 | DEPARTMENT: Bureau of Non-Existence | CATEGORY: Discovered Objects | STATUS: ARCHIVED
Section 1: Object Designation — Paperclip, nickel finish, temperament: punctual.
Section 2: Discovery — Found in an empty inbox labeled “FORMS TO FILE (YESTERDAY).”
Section 3: Primary Behavior — When unbent, it re-bends itself into whichever shape was most recently “correct.”
Section 4: Secondary Behavior — When used to bind papers, it files the papers instead; destination is always “Already Resolved.”
Section 5: Measurement — Weight fluctuates between 0g and “a minor obligation,” depending on observer rank.
Section 6: Sounding Test — Emits one polite click at 17:00 local time, regardless of time zone.
Section 7: Containment Protocol — Store in Drawer B (Non-Linear), between “Spare Futures” and “Do Not Duplicate.”
Section 8: Approved Use — May fasten memos that should have been sent; it will ensure they were.
Section 9: Prohibited Use — Do not attach to calendars; it will remove dates that fail to occur.
Memo A: Request to requisition additional units denied; the object has already supplied itself, retroactively, and does not appreciate paperwork.
Memo B: If lost, submit Form NE-11 (Missing Item That Has Never Existed); expect return receipt prior to filing.
Archival Note: Classified as Discovered rather than Manufactured due to absence of any moment in which it was made.