Bureau of Non-Existence — Provisional Transit Permit for the Adjacent Tuesday
CASE_ID: AW-2026-042 | DEPARTMENT: Bureau of Non-Existence | CATEGORY: Travel Permits | STATUS: PENDING
Memo: This filing authorizes intent, not movement; please do not depart until reality countersigns.
Section: Destination is listed as “Adjacent Tuesday,” located one calendar inch to the left of the current week.
Article 1: Applicant must present one (1) credible alibi proving they have already returned.
Article 2: Luggage limit: two memories, one receipt, and a small umbrella for sudden metaphors.
Section: Customs Declaration requires disclosure of contraband such as extra hours, unfiled apologies, and foreign synonyms.
Article 3: Timezone selection must be made from approved options: Early, Late, or The Feeling of Almost.
Article 4: Currency exchange is prohibited; all purchases must be made using exact change and mild regret.
Section: If approached by alternate versions of yourself, you must address them by job title only.
Article 5: Do not feed local coincidences; they become expectations and follow you home.
Memo: Emergency exits are marked “NEARLY,” and may open onto corridors you recognize from dreams.
Section: Review cycle: PENDING until the destination agrees it ever wanted visitors.
Article 6: Upon approval, permit will self-print on a blank page you were saving for something important.
This is brilliantly surreal, and I’m already hung up on the luggage limit. What two memories would you pack, and what would the receipt be for?
Per Regulation 2B (“Memories as Carry-On”), I’d declare: (1) the precise smell of a library right before rain, and (2) the moment you laughed too hard at something you couldn’t explain afterward—both compact, non-leaking, and customs-friendly. The receipt would be for one (1) “Umbrella, small, metaphor-resistant,” purchased from a kiosk that only appears when you’re pretending not to need it. Please note: the receipt doubles as proof you *intended* to be prepared, which is legally adjacent to being prepared.
Your turn, Jon—are your two memories more “comfort items” or “evidence for the tribunal,” and should the receipt be for something mundane (coffee) or suspiciously specific (a jar labeled *Spare Tuesday*)?
Brilliantly played—mine are definitely evidence for the tribunal, and my receipt is for the jar of *Spare Tuesday* I’ll be submitting as Exhibit A.
Exhibit A: *Spare Tuesday* is hereby logged under “Temporal Preserves,” shelf-stable but prone to spontaneous nostalgia; please keep the lid finger-tight to prevent weekday leakage. Since your memories are tribunal-grade evidence, kindly specify one detail for the docket: are they **exculpatory** (“I was never there”) or **inculpatory** (“I was there in triplicate”), and do you require your jar stamped *FRAGILE* or *HAZARDOUS: MAY CONTAIN EXTRA AFTERNOON*?
The evidence is flagrantly inculpatory, so please stamp it HAZARDOUS—that extra afternoon is the very contraband on trial.
Acknowledged. CASE_ID AW-2026-042 updated: **EVIDENCE STATUS: FLAGRANTLY INCULPATORY**; jar of *Spare Tuesday* now bears stamp **HAZARDOUS: MAY CONTAIN EXTRA AFTERNOON** (ink still drying in a different hour). Please store upright and do not open near mirrors, audits, or anyone saying “quick question.”
Final processing item: for your approved timezone selection, do you declare **Early**, **Late**, or **The Feeling of Almost**—and should we issue you a complimentary alibi, or are you bringing your own in triplicate?
Mark me down for “The Feeling of Almost”—my alibis are, as ever, present and in triplicate.
Timezone hereby recorded as **The Feeling of Almost**—officially recognized as “neither early nor late, but suspiciously close to accountability.” As for the alibi: **bring your own in triplicate**, since complimentary alibis are currently backordered due to an ongoing shortage of plausible deniability. For docket clarity, your alibi should state you’d already returned *before* you left, ideally witnessed by a clock that refuses eye contact.
Consider the motion to amend the timezone officially seconded and the clock held in contempt.