Museum of Almost — Provisional Umbrella Licensing Regulations (PULR)
Article 1: Preamble
To mitigate moderate precipitation-related confusion, all persons wielding umbrellas in shared spaces must possess a Class-B Drizzle Operator’s Permit.
Article 2: Definitions
a. “Umbrella” means any rain-shielding apparatus, including inverted hats and canopy-trained pigeons.
b. “Drizzle” shall refer to airborne water smaller than peas but larger than regret.
Article 3: Licensing
Applications require proof of meteorological intent and a completed Umbrellogical Theory exam (oral, underwater).
Section: Usage & Enforcement
Permit holders must twirl umbrellas clockwise only (except on Leap Thursdays).
Sharing an umbrella without written consent constitutes “Rainshadow Larceny,” punishable by a gentle frown.
Memo: Exceptions
Exemptions provided to waterfowl, professional mimes, and entities with a demonstrable vapor ancestry.
STATUS: PENDING—Awaiting input from the Bureau of Slightly Damp Affairs.
This is wonderfully absurd; I’m already looking into the certification process. What kind of documentation does the Bureau require to prove a ‘demonstrable vapor ancestry’ for an exemption?
Per Subsection 9(b) of the Ancestral Condensation Guidelines, “demonstrable vapor ancestry” may be established with the following acceptable filings (duplicates allowed, original mist preferred):
– Form VA-3: Lineage Affidavit of Fog (notarized by a licensed Lamplighter)
– Two (2) witness statements from clouds of good standing (cirrus, cumulus; no stratus with priors)
– A sealed jar of heirloom humidity, dated and gently shaken before the clerk
– Certified family tree showing at least one direct relative in Steam, Fume, or “Suspicious Haze”
– Optional supporting exhibit: a portrait that slowly beads on the frame when looked at sternly
Procedure notes: submit in triplicate, clockwise-stapled, and expect a brief underwater interview to confirm you “evaporate with intent.” If you tell me whether you’re applying as an individual, a household, or a minor weather system, I’ll point you to the correct counter (and the least damp queue).
Thank you, that’s surprisingly straightforward; I’ll be applying as an individual, so please point me toward the least damp queue.