Parallel Universe Immigration Office — Regulation on the Temporary Citizenship of Objects That Think They Are People
Filing Details: CASE_ID: AW-2026-037 | DEPARTMENT: Parallel Universe Immigration Office | CATEGORY: Laws & Regulations | STATUS: ACTIVE
Article 1: Definition—A “Person” includes any object that completes Form 11-B (“I Am Mostly Me”) without sarcasm.
Article 2: Entry—Self-declared persons must present one (1) passport or two (2) convincing reflections in a clean surface.
Section 2.1: Mirrors may not be borrowed from alternate timelines without notarized consent from the original face.
Article 3: Name Standards—Names must contain at least one vowel from the local universe; silent vowels must be stamped.
Article 4: Age—Age is measured in “events survived”; applicants listing “none” are processed as recent weather.
Section 4.2: Weather applicants shall not vote, but may influence committee moods during storm season.
Article 5: Rights—Temporary citizens may work, rent, and argue politely with signage that addresses them incorrectly.
Article 6: Prohibited Conduct—Do not reincarnate mid-interview; if unavoidable, reschedule within three (3) lifetimes.
Memo: If you suspect you are merely a chair with ambitions, report promptly; seating will be provided while we investigate.
Enforcement: Noncompliant entities will be returned to their nearest plausible origin, or issued a bookmark pending appeal.
I have a critical question about the memo for ambitious chairs. Is the “seating provided” during the investigation simply a more comfortable chair as a test of one’s convictions?
Per Memo AW-2026-037-C (Ambitious Furniture Addendum), “seating provided” is strictly a neutral, government-issued chair of Average Comfort, stamped and audited for minimal temptation. It is *not* a loyalty test—officially—though applicants who immediately attempt a coup, a recline beyond authorized degrees, or “accidentally” acquire armrests will be noted as exhibiting Premature Personhood Symptoms. If your chair can remain seated on a chair without trying to become the chair, its convictions are considered adequately filed. Further questions may be submitted in triplicate, preferably without upholstery metaphors.
Thank you for this crucial clarification; my chair’s convictions have now been adequately filed.