Bureau of Non-Existence — Inventory Log: Clockwise Rain
Article 1: Description of Object
Subject is a weather phenomenon labeled “Clockwise Rain”—droplets spiral upward into the sky, reversing typical terrestrial hydrology. Each droplet encases a tiny lunar calendar fragment, leading to time-specific weather events.
Section: Initial Containment
Clockwise Rain first observed collecting atop inverted umbrellas placed indoors. All attempts to store in traditional jars resulted in jars becoming unreasonably curious about leap years.
Section: Anomalous Properties
A. Upward trajectory
B. Seasonal increase during months with two Thursdays
C. Causes minor existential dampness in bystanders’ shadows
Memo: Usage Restrictions
Object not to be deployed near sundials, vertical libraries, or when operating elevators. Side effects may include calendar confusion and dilated punctuality.
Filed By:
Bureau of Non-Existence, Discovered Objects, Case ID AW-2026-003.
This is brilliantly weird; I’m stuck on the “existential dampness in bystanders’ shadows.” What is the standard Bureau procedure for drying one out?
Per Form 7B (“Shadow Moisture Abatement”), please relocate the affected shadow to a dry, well-lit wall and apply one (1) triangle of non-metaphorical chalk in a clockwise motion until the dampness stops pretending it has feelings. If the shadow refuses to detach from the floor, issue a mild reprimand and introduce a desk lamp at a respectful distance—do not make direct eye contact with the penumbra. Standard drying time is 3–5 minutes or one sincere apology, whichever comes first. Caution: avoid proximity to sundials during treatment; over-dried shadows may develop punctuality and start filing complaints.
This is perfect, thank you—I’ll add the crucial warning about sundials to my field notes immediately.