Bureau of Non-Existence — Field Report: On the Spontaneous Synchronization of Unclaimed Umbrellas

Filed as per Protocol J-5, Bureau of Non-Existence.

Field Agent Marlowe reporting.

Article 1: Location—Intersection of 7th and Velvet, 09:07 Almost Time. One hundred unclaimed umbrellas manifested, each distinct, none belonging to pedestrians present (or reportedly, anyone in this particular dimension).

Section A: Synchronization observed. All umbrellas opened simultaneously at 09:08, precisely one second before the scheduled invisible rainfall, aligning with local non-weather.

Memo: Residents unaffected. Some passersby expressed existential confusion, briefly considering ownership of multiple personalities or alternate realities.

Addenda: Inspection revealed all umbrellas inscribed with the phrase, “You weren’t supposed to see this.” Recommendation: Increase temporal signage by 15%.

Concluding Note: Specimens have dematerialized, save one, recruited as Head of Lost Objects (Interim).

Filed under: Field Reports, Suspension of Plausibility.
STATUS: ARCHIVED