Parallel Universe Immigration Office — Memorandum on Unfinished Arrival Forms and the Proper Handling of Nearly-People

Memo: CASE_ID AW-2026-044 — DEPARTMENT: Parallel Universe Immigration Office — CATEGORY: Internal Memos — STATUS: ARCHIVED
Section 1: Purpose — to process entrants whose origin timelines were proposed, budgeted, and emotionally anticipated, but not ultimately instantiated.
Section 2: Definition — a “Nearly-Person” is any applicant who can name their childhood pet but cannot produce a consistent municipal water bill.
Section 3: Intake — issue Form N-0 (“Provisional Existence Declaration”) in triplicate; accept signatures in pencil, vapor, or sincere intention.
Section 4: Verification — scan fingerprints; if the scanner returns a polite question, answer “YES” and proceed to Counter 4B.
Section 5: Luggage — confiscate paradoxes exceeding 100ml; allow one (1) sentimental alternate outcome in carry-on, provided it remains sealed.
Section 6: Language Services — interpreters are authorized to translate from: Conditional Perfect, Future Regret, and Soft Subjunctive.
Section 7: Stamping — apply the “ENTRY: ALMOST” stamp at a 17° angle to discourage chronological confidence.
Section 8: Housing — assign Temporary Address: “Approximately 12B”; do not clarify what the “approximately” modifies.
Section 9: Conduct — remind applicants that nostalgia is not proof; however, it may be queued as supporting evidence under Appendix L (“Longing”).
Section 10: Fees — collect the standard filing fee or, if unavailable, an equivalent quantity of unused potential (minimum: three plans and a promise).
Section 11: Denials — if the applicant fully materializes while waiting, upgrade status to “Arrived” and apologize for the inconvenience to causality.
Section 12: Archival Note — this memo supersedes Memo 044-A, which never existed but was repeatedly cited with great confidence.