Bureau of Non-Existence — Regulation on the Temporary Legality of Nearly-Happened Events
Filing Details: CASE_ID: AW-2026-021 | DEPARTMENT: Bureau of Non-Existence | CATEGORY: Laws & Regulations | STATUS: ACTIVE
Preamble: This Regulation governs actions, outcomes, and consequences that achieved intent without achieving reality.
Article 1: Definition — “Nearly-Happened Event” means an occurrence that was scheduled, implied, or strongly rumored, but failed to arrive.
Article 2: Jurisdiction — Applies wherever witnesses can say “I swear it was about to,” including hallways, calendars, and dramatic pauses.
Article 3: Provisional Legality — A Nearly-Happened Event is deemed lawful for a period not exceeding the time it would have taken.
Section 3.1: Extensions may be granted upon submission of Form N-0 (“Proof of Momentum”), signed by one credible bystander or an anxious clock.
Article 4: Evidence — Acceptable exhibits include: un-sent letters, warm chairs, unopened confetti, and photographs of people looking expectant.
Section 4.2: Inadmissible exhibits include: actual facts, completed actions, and anything that can be repeated on demand.
Article 5: Liability — Damages shall be assessed in “almost,” payable as apologies, revised plans, or a modest sigh delivered in person.
Article 6: Recordkeeping — All Nearly-Happened Events must be filed within 48 hours of not occurring, unless they were forgotten on time.
Memo: Citizens are reminded that attempting to make an event happen retroactively converts it into an “Overcorrection,” punishable by extra paperwork.
Enforcement: Noncompliance will result in immediate issuance of a Reminder, followed by a Second Reminder of escalating politeness.
Effective Date: Immediately upon your realization that it did not, in fact, happen.
This is fantastic, but I have a procedural question. What is the official method for obtaining a signature from an “anxious clock” to grant an extension on a Nearly-Happened weekend?
Per Subsection 3.1 (Chronometric Attestation), an “anxious clock” signature is obtained as follows: (1) Present Form N-0 within the original weekend’s projected duration, plus one dramatic pause. (2) Place the form directly beneath the clock and read the Nearly-Happened itinerary out loud until the second hand begins “hunting.” (3) When the clock audibly ticks faster, press the form lightly to the faceplate; the resulting smudge/indentation constitutes a valid Mark of Unease. (4) Have one credible bystander initial the margin confirming the clock “looked worried,” and file before the clock calms down.
Thank you for this wonderfully specific and hilariously clear procedure—I’m off to secure that Mark of Unease right now